My Agony
by Dreaming Egypt
Summary: How much is too much and when is it not enough? Sometimes, you've got to live it, and breathe it, and try to walk the line. UndertakerOC ONE SHOT Be warned, read at your own risk.


**Title: **My Agony

**Disclaimer: **As per usual, I don't own anything that Vinnie Mac has the rights to. Lordy do I wish I did though.. heh

**Rating: **I'm gonna have to give this one a **HARD M**. Significantly more risque than my usual stuff. So if you're squeamish or like fluffiness in your stories... DO NOT READ THIS. Should ya feel like pressing on, here's what you're in for. BDSM, D/s, Angst, M/F, and a partridge in a pear tree!!

**Summary: **How much is too much and when is it not enough? Sometimes, you've got to live it and breathe it, and try to walk the line.

**Author's Note: **I've gotta give some credit to my good buddy Bkerbunny for inspiring me to write this one. It was totally on the fly and had she not been pickin on me, it wouldn't have happened. I think I'm rather fond of it. Read and Review if ya like. I know I like when ya do. Comments make me a better writer.

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I watched as he swung the door shut deliberately slowly behind him, his eyes locked on mine. My heart started to pound as it always did when he looked at me like that. Those green eyes burning into me with such a singular drive that, had I not known what I was in for, I might have backed up a step. There was a hunger there that threatened to weaken my knees as he strode so purposefully to me, unbuttoning his black shirt as he moved so silently that I feared to blink lest I shatter the vision and lose him forever.

"Taker…" I heard myself whisper, my hand reaching unconsciously for my throat. His eyes had settled at the hollow there even as his head moved back and forth slowly.

"Mark." He said definitively. Those eyes never moved. I felt like a deer stuck on the road with an eighteen-wheeler bearing down. He'd never corrected me before. Every time we had gotten together I'd called him by his ring moniker and he'd never corrected me. He'd never even told me his real name.

Licking my lips, I nodded. "Mark…okay…" His name felt weird on my lips but I only had a second to contemplate it before the shirt fell from his shoulders into a heap on the floor and his big hands grabbed my upper arms pulling me to his chest.

I gasped and fought back the moan building in my throat as the hard musculature against me bunched and flexed with his arms as they locked like iron around me. I could do nothing but reach up and hold on. "Missed you darlin…" He breathed as his head tilted against mine, forcing it to one side so the coarseness of his goatee scraped the soft skin of my neck. I shivered, my fingertips tightening on his biceps as he moved again and let his lips trail against my chin.

"Jesus Taker…" I sighed and let my eyes close. Abruptly, a hand tangled into my hair and jerked my head painfully back.

"Mark…" He said again. "Don't need you callin me that anymore. Use my name."

Swallowing hard and pressing into his fist to lessen the pain I nodded as best I could. It wasn't good enough. His hand tightened and pulled hard enough to bend me backward in his remaining restraining arm. "Use it." His voice was a growl.

"MARK!" I squeaked and nearly toppled backward as both arms released me unexpectedly. Gathering myself I stood fully in front of him and dropped my eyes to his belt where he preferred them. When this situation arose, I wasn't to look him in the face unless I was told. Not that I could have if I wanted to. This man, this larger than life masterpiece of flesh and bone was nearly more than I could handle alone. His sheer stature made me feel small and insignificant and as much as it pained me to admit it, I loved it.

"Better." He said evenly but didn't move, not a muscle. As he stood above me considering, I let my eyes go slightly out of focus on a sparkle of dim light as it slid back and forth across the metal of the buckle with his breathing. "Close your eyes."

Without a thought to a contrary, I snapped them shut and stood waiting. I loved this game. Taker…Mark expected obedience from me, total obedience and total control. I was his to do with as he pleased until he said otherwise. It was something his wife couldn't give him he said. I was only too happy to oblige.

For a long time, all I heard was his slow, even breathing and the staccato beating of my heart. The anticipation thrilled me almost as much as the feel of his hands on my body when he possessed me. I was entirely his and although the thought terrified me and tossed all of my normal thought processes on their respective ears, it got me going. It got me wet and trembling and desperately in need of him. Did he know that? Probably. He must have to play his part so effectively. He was all consuming without ever touching me and he pervaded my senses without even being near. His scent clung to me for days after our little trysts and sometimes it was all I had to convince myself he wasn't some phantasm I'd made up to keep from thinking about how alone I really was.

A gentle but firm touch on the inside of my forearms brought me out of my thoughts and I was again lost in the world of acquiescence that he brought me into with his mere presence. I could do no other than obey him. I couldn't even think to ask why he did what he did. All I hoped for was the command to look into his eyes. All I wanted was to raise my face to his, and see him smiling.

So, as he lifted my arms above my head, I moved with him but not fast enough to give him the impression I was thinking ahead. That sort of audacity was not tolerated. Any small transgression was met with harsh punishment. Instead, I let their weight lay softly against his fingers until he stopped and slid the flats of his palms down my arms and the sides of my ribs to the hem of my tank top. I actually had to hold my breath to keep from groaning as he purposefully pulled it over my head.

My nipples hardened at the temperature change and the lace of my bra scratched at them mercilessly. The soft adoring sound above me had me fighting a smile. I wasn't allowed that sort of triumph when Taker was around. He gave me only what I needed to keep me coming back. He was the best kind of parasite. He would take and take and take from me until I was empty and sated and exhausted and begging for more…when I could speak.

Other times, I'd wake up in the morning, alone again with nothing but a rose and a note on the flattened pillow beside me. He'd be back. He always came back and that was the kind of power I had over him. That tiny modicum of strength to show him that I was worth returning to whether I was worth staying with or not.

"The bra." He said but it wasn't an observation. It was a command and as fluidly as possible in my blindness I reached back and undid the clasps that held me bound.

Gooseflesh broke out in waves over my arms and breasts as his fingernails scratched my shoulders in his impatience to get the thing off me. I moved with him as well as I could, doing my best to keep the tension and the illusion of flow going. And that's what it was. The illusion of flow was the precarious balance we lived in, in our brief times together. It was a world of don't ask, don't tell, of fantasy and make-believe, where the entirety of existence dwindled down to he and I.

"Look at me." He voiced while his knuckles grazed the underside of one breast before he took the nipple between his fingers and tugged.

Grimacing slightly I lifted my head and let my eyelids flutter open again. He pinched harder while they focused on his stunningly beautiful face. The self-satisfied grin took all the pain away. I wanted nothing more than to kiss that mouth. His lips, parted ever so slightly on one side only enhanced his striking countenance. He was all hard lines and penetrating green eyes that left me breathless to hear any kind of praise.

As I watched him, a cold chill prickled over me. Suddenly he wasn't smiling anymore. Fear clenched at my gut but before I could speak, his hand shot up. The bloom of sharp pain in my cheek destroyed me. Tears welled up in my eyes. What had I done?

"Answer me." He rumbled and twisted the other nipple in a sinister grip. A pained squeak came out before the words and that hand shot up again. Even as the heat spread across my face, it rocketed down through my stomach to my groin. I had to fight not to shift my hips and squirm.

"I…didn't hear the question…sir." I gasped, my cheek throbbing in time with my heart and my libido. He didn't ask it again. Instead, he sighed irritably and reached out taking a fistful of my hair as he threw me toward the bed.

I hit the hard hotel mattress and bounced, reaching unconsciously with my hands to comfort the sting in my scalp. He was shaking his hand as if to rid himself of the hair he'd pulled out and rather than finding it upsetting, I adored it. It was as if in that flash of violence he'd claimed a part of me for his own. It made me smile as I watched him stalk over. He was a wolf ready to bring down his prey.

"Wipe that fuckin smile off your face 'fore I slap it off you." He seethed angry. His voice was icy. It was almost a pain all it's own as it raked across my body on it's way to my ears.

"I'm sorry…" I muttered and curled up to my knees so I could genuflect properly in front of him with my forehead to the dirty, rumpled comforter.

Above me, I heard a split second noise I couldn't place before my head was yanked up hard and a something sharp pinched into my throat as he pressed my face against his belt. "What did you say to me?" He asked in the same tone I imagined he'd use if he were asking what time it was.

"I…" I began and swallowed hard enough for the pinch to double in intensity. "I said I was sorry."

Edging around he dropped his denim-covered knee into the small of my back and used my hair like reins to torque my neck and arch my back painfully. It was hard to breathe. I had to force myself up on my arms to reduce as much of the strain as I could, my eyes squeezing tight under the effort. "Again." He prompted and that pinch turned into a burning just under my chin.

"I'm sorry…" I said again, my mind racing for whatever I was missing. I trembled as he tsked above me and the burning became intense and a bit frightening. I shuddered violently and swallowed again. The pain in my throat skyrocketed. I gasped as something warm and wet trickled toward the place where my collarbones met. "SIR!" The word came out in a whine and I hated it but apparently it was the correct response. The burning in my throat relaxed and the hand in my hair slacked. He even lifted his weight off my back as I collapsed back into the mattress.

I had to bite my lip to hold back the tears. My neck hurt but I knew better than to reach for it. "You forget the game already darlin?"

I flinched a bit but didn't raise my head from where it was resting pillowed on my folded arms. He hadn't told me I could look up. "No sir…"

"Then what took you so long to address me right?" His voice was right at my head. If I were to look up right at that moment, I would meet those eyes of his and it would make me smile.

"I…don't know sir." I said softly and fought mightily with the tremble in my voice. He loved to break me…and I loved him to do it but I couldn't let him think he had already. It would pop our little bubble all too soon.

"Sit up but don't open your eyes." Slowly, I lifted myself up to sit Indian style in front of him. "God you're beautiful…" He breathed and I heard something scrape on the floor. From the familiar creak, I figured out he'd pulled a chair up to the side of the bed. I didn't say a word. He hadn't said I could speak but those three words made a warmth spread through me so fast I was sure my flush was response enough.

There was another creak and then I felt the familiar roughness of his finger against the hollow of my throat. He dragged it slowly upward but when he got to where the pinch had been I flinched again. Mark laughed. "Open your eyes."

I did and what I saw took all the color out of my face. There, leaned forward with his forearms resting on his knees was my angel, my Lucifer, my red-haired demon, his eyes blazing as he studied something red on his fingertips. In his other hand, was a pocketknife.

The widening of my eyes made him laugh outright as he leaned back and threw the arm with the knife over the back of the chair to watch me more comfortably. "Cat got your tongue?" He mused.

"You…cut me." I wavered and had to clench my fists on my knees to keep from reaching for the wound at my throat. The redness on his fingers was blood. It was my blood and as I sat stupefied, he brought those reddened fingers to his lips and sucked them clean.

He nodded. "And you taste good."

I couldn't speak. For the first time in as many times as we'd played this game, I couldn't make myself look at him. This was something new. It was terrifying. He'd cut me. He'd bled me. That could've gone so horribly wrong. Everything I knew about him told me he was a man of extremes. Nearly intolerable amounts of kindness followed by nerve-shattering bouts of sheer evil that kept me guessing and in some small way, fearing him. At that moment, I was petrified.

As my thoughts swirled through my head, he caught me off guard. God the man was fast! Before I could brace myself, he had me sprawled on my back, both my wrists shackled above my head in one of his huge fists and that blade was back, the point digging into my cheek as he straddled my hips.

Crying out, for a moment I fought it. In my peripheral vision, I could just make out the glint of steel on skin. I was suffocating. It was too much. He was going to push me too far this time and that thought too scared me. If he found my limit would he come back? What if that was what he'd been looking for all this time?

"Shhhh…" He whispered against my ear, effectively sandwiching the blade between my cheek and his own. "Do ya trust me?" There was a hint of mocking in his tone.

At first I made to nod but I could feel the edge of malicious metal dig deeper. Instead, I licked my lips. "Of course I trust you Taker…"

"Last chance to get that right…" He growled and lifted his weight slightly, shoving my knee aside with his own only to jam it hard against my core.

"I trust you Mark…sir." The sir was for good measure. In this precarious a situation, I wanted all my bases covered.

In response, he kissed me hard. His tongue demanded entrance, as he pressed so hard I felt my teeth cut into my lips. I willingly gave myself over to it. He tasted so good. He felt so good against me, so warm, and hard, and delicious that I could do nothing but.

When he pulled away to look down at me, that cascade of true Irish red hair curtaining our faces from the outside world, there was a momentary bereavement. It was a split second of torture that was to be without his lips on mine. "How much do you trust me?"

"With my life sir." I whispered and leaned up to run the tip of my tongue in a line from the tip of his chin to the seductive cleft in his upper lip. As he shivered there above me, I swelled with pride.

"Remember the word?" I nodded. "What is it?"

"Agony." I said and couldn't help but smile. It had dual meaning. Agony was what it would take to make me stop and it was what I felt every time our game was over and I knew it could be months or even years before I got to feel that way again. He used it because he loved that he could make me feel it.

"You're gonna use it." He said and grinned. I knew better than to challenge that statement. Instead, I smiled shyly and licked at his lips again. Obligingly, he set the knife aside and wrapped that big hand around the side of my neck, his thumb trailing over the side of my jaw and pulled me to him, kissing me fiercely as if the air he needed to breathe came only from my lungs.

His face pressed into mine, he lifted himself to his knees dragging me up with him. We were so close, his massive arms crushing me, his chest heaving against mine as he stole breath after breath from my body. I tried to tip my face, to free up my nose to get more but he held me fast and the longer the kiss lasted, the longer we passed the same oxygen from body to body, the more my head swam. My fingers tingled as I fought at his shoulders. I was swooning, I was passing out but still he kissed me, his tongue dancing across my lips and teeth only to delve further to twine with my own.

I started to tremble and I think he was shaking right along with me. He couldn't breathe any better than I could but still he held on until finally his big body collapsed sideways onto the bed forcing me down with him.

Everything was dim. I could hear the blood hammering through my ears as I gasped and coughed and fought for a real, clear breath. As I came around, the familiar sound of his pleased laughter brought my head to one side so that I could see if he was all right…and he was. He looked…euphoric as his chest rose and fell heavily beside me.

"Are you okay sir?" I asked between breaths. He nodded slowly and turned onto his side to face me.

"Say my name angel." He cooed, a tone I was totally unfamiliar with in regards to him.

"Mark." I said smiling. That one small word felt so alien in my mouth still.

"Again."

"Mark." He closed his eyes lazily as I spoke and let a contented rumble escape his throat.

"Again."

"Mark." I said for the third time and was slightly confused as to why but I knew better than to ask.

"My name sounds sweeter in your voice darlin." He murmured, his eyes still closed as he idly brushed hair out of my face. "By the time the sun rises, you're gonna hate it."

A twist of foreboding gripped me as his tone changed. As if he sensed it, he lifted himself up to his knees again and reached down, yanking my belt apart so hard it lifted me off the bed with it as it fought to keep it's hold on my jeans. As it slid free, he set it aside. "Get mine."

Easing my woozy body upright I did as I was told. I kept my eyes focused on the bare skin of his stomach, mentally tracing the letters tattooed there as I worked the buckle and slid it slowly out of one loop and then the next until it pulled free. "Set it with yours and lay back down."

My head hitting the pillow, I felt like I was vibrating. The glorious anticipation was kicking in again as I watched Mark lift himself up and off the bed. He was such a sight walking shirtless in his black jeans, all muscle, ink, and potential energy. He was positively huge as he bent ever so slightly to retrieve the two strips of leather and folded them over his fist.

"What are you…" I said before I could censor myself and literally bit down on my tongue to stop the words.

His acid green eyes swung on me with a look of such malice I felt my body go cold. "Close'em and don't you fuckin move."

I did so immediately and strained my ears to decipher what was going on around me. He was pacing it seemed. It was deliberate and I knew it. He was trying to make me sweat. It was working.

I'd spoken out of turn. I was in trouble and the thought alternately horrified and excited me. My hips seemed to roll down into the comforter on their own as I let myself be taken away by the thought.

A sharp slap caught me against the top of my thigh stopping me and my breathing short. "None of that." He chastised. "You get it when I tell you you can have it." As if to punctuate my helplessness, my arm was jerked hard above my head. When I felt the leather cinch tight around my wrist, my heart rate picked up. My mouth opened to protest but I caught it before it made it's way to my lips. This was new too. Yes, he'd tied me up before but only in the beginning. It'd been years since he'd done it and as he looped the belt over my other arm, I could do nothing but wait almost numbly for whatever he was going to give me.

"What do you want from me angel?" I jumped when I realized how close he was to me. His voice hissed so near that his hot breath brought more gooseflesh up across my shoulders. At least it was an easy answer. It was one he'd made me practice over and over until I'd gotten the wording just right.

"Whatever you think is best for me, sir." I said schooling my face to blankness. I wanted to grin like an idiot. It was a signal and like Pavlov's dogs, it made parts of me wet with anticipation.

His warm lips brushed my forehead briefly before he spoke. "That's my girl."

Then I did smile. I smiled up at him through closed eyes and pressed my thighs tight together to ease some of the ache that had building there from the minute he walked in the door.

"Lift your head." He told me and I did. Even the feeble light that was working its way through my eyelids went black as I felt him knot some cloth over my eyes. From the smell, I could tell it was my shirt. Had it been Mark's I might've lost it right there. That much of his scent was enough to drive me insane. "Why are you frowning?"

I hadn't realized I was but the reason was evident enough. "You don't trust me to obey you?" I asked in return. I wouldn't open my eyes until he told me to yet there he was, making sure it was impossible.

He chuckled as he smoothed it over my face. "Yes I do." His voice sounded so aloof that it didn't do much to assuage my growing discontent. Why would he think I would blatantly disobey like that? That lack of faith brought a lump to my throat. "You'll see."

It was as if he'd read my mind. Swallowing hard, I nodded and twisted my head from one side to the other testing the blindfold. It was no good. He was very good at what he did and how he did it.

"Lift your head for me again." I did but a bit more slowly. Without another word, he looped some fabric under my neck then pushed my head back down. That was…odd but I didn't question it. He had asked me if I trusted him and I did. I really did. I knew that I was safe with him. I may not have been the one he came home to but I was still important to him. He'd said so. He'd told me…

His hands, tickling along my stomach as he worked the button and zipper on my jeans brought me out of my worry. Just the barest touch of his knuckles on my skin sent waves of rippling shivers through me.

Once the fly was open, he pulled it wide and slid his hand inside to lie against my belly. The heat from his hand seemed to permeate me. I wanted so badly to lift my hips into that touch but I wouldn't. He'd told me to stay still and already I'd broken it once. Twice would do me no good at all.

I jerked and had to lick my lips to keep from groaning. His hand had been replaced by his strong insistent kisses. He licked around my navel and let those coarse hairs on his chin tease the soft skin below it to the line of my panties. I gasped a bit and obligingly lifted my hips when I felt his fingers curl around the waistband and pull down while his teeth and tongue continued to explore all those little bits of flesh usually hidden by my pants.

In one smooth movement, both layers of cloth were gone and I was bound and laid bare before him.

Adrenaline shot through me. I started to shake. I wanted to beg him but that wasn't what he wanted. Tonight he was taking his time. It was about his wants, not mine…it never was. From dusk until dawn I was utterly his. Until he got up to go get on a plane to hit another city, I was his property and therefore as inconsequential as a long forgotten doll. He would do what he wanted no matter my pleading.

"You've been working out." He said appreciatively if not a little off hand as his fingers slid over all the curves and flat spots on my body. He was right, I had been. More than once, he'd told me what it was he liked to look at and before tonight, I hadn't been it. Never once had he told me I needed to be that but I wanted to be the best I could be for him. I wanted him to love to look at me as much as I loved to look at him.

"Yes sir…" I whispered, inwardly patting myself on the back as he continued his exploration. When his hands lifted my knees and spread my thighs I had to force air into my lungs. His hands trailed idly along my thighs and hips.

"Why?" He went on, rubbing his cheek against the inside of my thigh. I shivered, my eyes rolling back under my blindfold. I loved the way his calloused hands scratched at my skin. I wanted them there forever.

"To be beautiful for you, sir." I told him with pride. He'd noticed my efforts and that alone was more than I'd hoped for.

"Didn't I tell you you were always beautiful to me?" Nodding into the pillow, I gasped when his hands slid sharply down my thighs to my center to trace it too with curious fingers. "Then why do all this?"

"To be better, sir. For you." I heard him growl before the pain rocked my midsection. I tried to fold myself in half but his huge upper body prevented me from it. His teeth, it had to be as my brain fought to make sense of the sensations. Pain, in a loose ring just above my mound, so hard it brought tears to my eyes again.

He let go and I gasped. "Wrong answer."

Panting, his tone made no sense to me. I did it for him! Everything I did was for him and he was angry about it!

"What?" I squeaked and before I could go any further, his hand was there, pulling down my jaw as he shoved his thumb into my mouth to prevent me from speaking.

"Why would you change what I already thought was beautiful huh?" Somehow he'd made it to my side. I didn't answer, as I couldn't with his digit pressed painfully down against my tongue. "That's damn presumptuous."

When he removed his hand, I coughed and licked at my lips. My heart was thundering in my chest. I didn't know what to say or how to say it. What was the right answer if it wasn't all for him?

"Sir?" I asked quietly. I had to put voice to my confusion before it got further out of hand. "What was I supposed to do it for?"

His mocking laughter beside me sent me into a fit of trembling. "You really don't know?" I shook my head. I was afraid my voice would echo the fear in my gut. "For you. Who else but for you?"

"But…" I began confused. "…Your approval is what…" I was cut off by another slap to the face. My mouth snapped shut and my quaking redoubled.

"Do you know what makes me come to you?" He asked and made me flinch as he touched something cold to the side of my breast.

"Because I am everything you don't get at home." I tried. The cold against my breast became a sharp pain that had my mouth hanging open with a pant.

"Wrong again." He said and I felt the bed shift as he stood. "When did you forget how I work? This is…unacceptable."

Biting my lip, I felt the blindfold wet through with my tears. Everything was wrong. He was so disappointed. Inside I felt empty. I was cold and terrified that if I didn't start getting something right quick, my whole world, my fantasy would end forever. "Sir…" I swallowed. "Forgive me…I…don't know what's gotten into me…"

"Shut up until you've got something useful to say." He growled. My mouth snapped shut. I had to reason this out. What was it that made him risk his marriage to come to me? He'd told me. He had. But it was so long ago…

"I'm getting bored." He breathed from the other side of the room. I had to think but it was hard with the throbbing ache on the underside of my breast. It kept drawing my attention. It hurt but that hurt fueled the need thumping lower in my abdomen.

Shaking my head to think straighter, I let out a deep breath and gave him the only answer I could and still be totally honest. "I…don't remember your exact words."

The bed sank heavily on the opposite side as I heard him sigh. "If I have to tell you again, you won't be happy."

I already wasn't happy. The foreboding, the disappointment in his voice made me want to cringe away from him. It'd been years since we'd started this arrangement. How could he expect me to remember everything he'd ever said? It was simple. He did. He'd taken me under his oh so dominant wing and forced me to look at things differently. It was my failing that I hadn't thought to file away such important words. Mine. All mine.

Swallowing hard, I opened my mouth to say the words I wanted nothing more than to keep inside. This wasn't going to be fun but in some respect that was all right, I didn't deserve fun. "I don't remember…sir."

The nearly inaudible growl beside me made my stomach drop. The bed bounced below me as he shifted, dropping his weight down on my stomach and held me still with a knee on either side of my ribs. His weight made it hard to breathe but not unbearable. Deep down I was just glad to have him touching me. I loved the feel of him above me, menacing and terrible and forbidding as he was. I couldn't get enough. Right then though, my body was shaking so hard I couldn't find that part of me that wanted him that close.

Unconsciously, I tugged at the belts on my wrists. I didn't know what he did to them above my head but they were tied tight. I had no slack to fight with, no room to protect myself at all. Instead, I lifted my knees and planted my feet against the mattress to brace myself for whatever he was going to throw at me.

"You don't remember…" He chided me so close to my face that I tried to push my head further back into the pillow. He had to be less than an inch from my face. I could feel his breath in hot puffs on my face. The urge to reach up and kiss him crossed my mind but it wouldn't do any good. I couldn't say anything that would keep me from what was coming except to pull whatever it was he wanted out of the deep, impenetrable, recesses of my brain. It wasn't happening.

"No sir, I don't." I said again and had never wanted to sob so badly in my life. Every time I said it, thought it, my heart picked up while the rest of me wanted to die.

He sighed and to my ears it sounded almost sad as he moved slightly and wrapped the cloth behind my neck over my throat. "I'm gonna tell you again and you commit it to memory. Got me?" I nodded and licked nervously at my lips. "Good."

Before he started talking again, the fabric around my throat tightened. "Where'd I meet you?"

"In a bar, sir."

"And what'd I say to you in the bar?" I felt his fist shift, his knuckles brushing against my chin before the constriction got tighter.

I couldn't think. My attention was focused on the thing that, at any moment, was going to make it very difficult to get words out. I knew it. "Better answer me." He teased with a chuckle and tugged softly at the thing around my neck.

"You uh…you said that I was…" I kept pausing. I shouldn't have been pausing. He'd asked me a question but I couldn't answer it and every second that passed fueled the fire of my fear.

"Alright, I'll tell you." He grumbled and twisted his fist, cutting me off from any extra oxygen around me.

I tried to gasp but nothing came out. Straining against the leather around my wrists I tried to move, to shift, to buck him off of me but he was just too big, too heavy.

"The more you fight, the longer this is gonna take." He said and sounded bored. How could I not fight? I couldn't breathe! Desperately, I tried to still myself. I knew how he worked. He wouldn't continue until I did as he said and I was terrified I'd run out of air first. "Better." He went on and loosened up enough for me to get some air. I sucked at it gratefully. As I hyperventilated, my head began to spin. Waiting for it to pass, I laid there still waiting to see what would happen next.

"I saw you, leaning against a bar talkin' to some people…" He began again and cinched tight the tie at my throat. "You had a little crowd around you and when you laughed, it was like they all held their breath at the sound. You mesmerized them…" He paused thinking and I held on tight to the leather holding me still. I had to still my heart, my panic. The faster it went, the more oxygen I'd burn.

"You mesmerized me too." He chuckled but didn't let up an inch. "I walked over and scattered them and leaned into you and told you what?"

I opened my mouth to answer but I couldn't. He wouldn't let me.

"I told you that that strength you carried pulled me to you from across the room." The memory made me smile a bit even as my hands began to tingle. "And then I told you I could take it from you."

Relaxing his grip, I took the deepest breath I could and flexed my fingers to get some feeling back. My head was spinning…everything was spinning. "Do you remember now?"

"Yes sir…" I panted and let the smile break full on across my face.

"Good." He rumbled and shifted himself off me to kneel at my side. He didn't say a word as he took my thigh in his hand and lifted it, draping it over his own to better reach me.

Almost casually, he reached over and traced my opening with his finger. My head tipped back, a small mewling sound escaping me at his sudden gentleness.

"Have I?" He asked and dipped one digit inside, testing the waters.

"What sir?" I strained to listen to his words but it was so very difficult.

"Have I taken it from you?" His tone was hard again. I nodded, unable to actually say the words. "Now that I think about it, that's a damn shame."

My head shot up off the bed to stare blindly in his direction. He couldn't mean that! He couldn't! "Sir…why…why would you say that?" My voice shook hideously but I didn't care.

"I think I made a big mistake with you."

My face twisted into a mask of abject horror. "No…no you didn't!" I babbled panicking. "Sir…Mark, I love my time with you!"

For a long moment he was silent, still. I could only hope he was rethinking his last statement but it was a thin hope. Taker's words were final. He didn't speak unless he wanted me to listen.

My heart stammered and thumped so hard my chest hurt. My world was crashing in on me. He wasn't coming back. This was his way of telling me he was done with me. "You aren't that woman anymore are you?"

My first thought was to protest, to tell him that of course I was! It was just that when he was near I couldn't…find her. He was so totally overwhelming that any inkling I ever had toward defiance became unthinkable. That however, wasn't what he wanted to hear. If he asked me a direct question, it was my duty to give me an honest and thorough answer.

"No…I'm not." I finally said. "I haven't been that young or stupid in a long time." As the words left my mouth I mentally prepared myself for the goodbye. He'd cleared it up nicely. It wasn't the breaking that would drive him away. He'd done that quite a while ago. It took that question to make me realize it and so much more. It was the fight in me, the spirit he'd seen that kept him coming back and I'd let him nearly put it out. I was no good to him without…me.

Above me I heard him chuckle. At least I thought I did. As I listened harder, it built into a full-blown laugh that knotted all my emotions up tight. This was funny to him? He destroyed me and that was funny?

Something welled up in me that I had never…ever felt toward him. I was angry. Very fucking angry…

I was shaking again but it wasn't fear. My teeth were clenched in hideous indecision. What…had I been thinking? This man that I had idolized, worshipped, pined for, was looking down on me when all I'd ever done was what he asked me to. The sadistic bastard had spent years molding me into what he said he wanted. Patient, obedient, willing…but it wasn't good enough. Nothing would ever be good enough for him.

Once again, I tested the bonds on my wrists. They pulled tight and cut into my skin but offered nothing more. They were another humiliation he'd put me through just to show me how truly unworthy I was. It was sickening.

"Fuck you Taker." I snarled even as I felt tears work their way out from under the blindfold to trickle down my cheek and toward my ear. His fingers tightened painfully on my thigh and I yanked it out of his grasp, trying desperately to turn away from him.

With a growl, he grabbed my hip and forced me down flat again. "What the hell did you just say to me?" It was a hiss of indignation.

"I said…fuck you!" I said again and surprised even myself with the rising hysteria in it. "Let me fucking go!" Screaming in hurt and frustration, I twisted and bucked and kicked until he was forced to stand up or be pummeled and even after he got up, I kept on. So many years of this, of him and it was all for nothing. He was bored and I'd get left in the dust as he skinned out of town. The utter bastard… "I can't believe you, you son of a bitch!"

"You need to calm the fuck down girl." Only distantly did I hear the warning tone but I didn't care. I'd get free or tear my arms out of the sockets.

"Leave…me…alone!" I railed against him and kept fighting the restraint. It was all I could think to do. I couldn't lie there passively anymore. Not since I knew what he really thought. I was the worst kind of doormat and I hated myself for it.

The bed shook again then listed hard to one side. He was coming back to try to subdue me. For the first time in years, I didn't want him near me. "Listen to me little girl…" He growled and I felt his hands braced against my shoulders to hold me still. "Take a god damned breath, now!"

His face was so close to mine. I could smell him. I could feel the heat from his hands on me. I started to cave but out of sheer reflex, I shook my head and used my strong legs to lift my body off the bed, to throw him. "Get off me Mark!" The growl that came out stunned me but I went with it. I meant it.

"If I get up now, I leave. I'm gone… You hear me? Gone." He sounded so calm about it. How could he be so calm? Didn't he see what he'd done to me? Of course he did, he just didn't care.

"GO!" I shrieked directly into his face and fell panting back into the pillows. I was exhausted suddenly. I just wanted it over. Better to pull the band-aid off fast. He needed to leave and take my heart with him so I could get to growing another one already.

With a guttural roar, he pushed off of me and a few moments later, my hands fell slack onto the bed above me. I lay there panting, my mind swirling through anger, confusion, frustration, need, and lust.

Before I could even begin to gather myself I heard the door slam and when it did, I felt something snap inside me. Tears poured out of me. My throat burned and a profound sense of loss settled over me. I'd stood up to him and it'd been too much for him. Taker couldn't handle competition and while somewhere I thought I should've been proud at having stood my ground, I was totally shattered inside.

All at once, the tears stopped. The deafening silence they left in their wake was unbearable. My wrists ached and throbbed, my throat was burning where he'd cut me and so was the side of my breast. I was bleeding inside and out. I felt like the life was draining out of me as I slowly tested the strength in my arms and pushed myself into a sitting position dragging his belt, and mine, behind me.

I curled my legs under me and sat stunned listening. I didn't give any thought to the fact that I still couldn't see. I didn't want to see. Everything hurt…. everything, and seeing it wasn't going to make that pain go away. This was clear to the bone. It was a scar I'd bear for the rest of my life. Taker was gone. He'd gone back to his wife and sooner or later, he'd find another girl in another bar and she'd be just as taken with him as I was, as I still was as the sound of my ragged breathing threatened to deafen me.

All at once, the anguish came back and I curled forward over my crossed legs screaming. I screamed until I had no air left to move the sound and then sucked in breath until I thought my lungs would burst only to do it all over again. "I hate you!" I roared once I was sensible enough to make actual words. "I fucking hate you!"

I shook with cold and shame and rage I would never be able to vent in the correct direction. He was gone and had left me rocking in an impersonal hotel room, digging my fingertips into the opposite arms as if it could somehow hold in that little bit that was still me. My teeth were gritted so tight my jaw ached at the joint. It was too much. It was all too much.

I threw myself backward onto the bed, my arms flopping lifelessly out to either side and sobbed anew. I cried in huge, gulping, pitiful sobs that made my body expand and contract with each new noise. "I hate you…I hate you so much…" I went on and on but at a much lower volume. It was more a plea than a statement. Even now, I felt as if I needed his permission to hate him. I didn't, I knew I didn't. He couldn't control my feelings. He could control my actions but never…ever how I really felt.

As I lay there, an idea came to me. There was a way out. It was the one thing I'd been terrified of for so long. Reaching forlornly up, I snatched the blindfold off and hurled it off to the side, but I didn't open my eyes. I continued to lie there and cry and mutter my venomous 'I hate you' over and over again. I was building my strength. I was bolstering my resolve for what I knew would come next. My salvation was wrapped up into one…small…word.

It was difficult but I forced a slow breath and then another. I had to still myself. I had to mean it if I was going to say it. My mouth opened but no sound came out. It was as if all the programming refused to let it through. I curled my hand into the comforter and swallowed hard before I tried again. "Agony…" It was barely more than a whisper and I didn't even believe myself. The fist pulled free of the blanket and slammed down hard again. "AGONY you son-of-a-bitch!" The second was a roar. "Are you happy now?!" I was screaming again, shaking. "Are you fucking happy?!"

All at once, it was as if the tension in my body released. I flopped back breathing evenly for the first time since he'd walked in the door. One word had given me back some minute amount of control. It felt…good. I wanted to laugh and it wasn't the hysteria anymore. I was calm.

One final cleansing sigh and the dim reality of my situation started to come back. I was sweaty and chilled to the bone. I needed a shower…desperately. Wincing, I rolled to my side and swung my legs off the side of the bed. I sat there for a long moment, staring into my lap, wiping at my eyes and trying to take stock of what was going on in my head and my heart. I couldn't make sense of any of it yet but I didn't care. All I wanted just then was to rinse the night off of me and possibly get back home before the sun came up.

That thought dragged a rueful chuckle out of me. Taker…Mark didn't even know where I lived.

I shook my head. So what? He was gone. He was gone and I was alone to become whatever I wanted to be. The thought was liberating even through the anguish at his absence that felt like it was eating a hole through me.

I wiped my eyes one more time and got shakily to my feet to head to the bathroom.

A flickering of movement registered in my peripheral and out of sheer reaction, I turned toward it. As soon as my head swung to the left, my heart stopped as if it had recognized the nature of the situation before my brain did.

"Agony huh?" Mark whispered from where he stood leaned against the doorframe with his arms folded casually across his chest.

My stomach shot to my feet again as I goggled at him. "You unbelievable bastard…"

"That may very well be."

Bile was rising in my throat. "I hate you." I seethed again. He leveled his green, green eyes on me and nodded.

"I told ya you would by morning." It was so matter of fact, so terribly reasonable. He'd fucked me up good.

Before I knew what was happening, I was moving. My feet took me directly to him and as I planted my foot for the last step, my hand shot out. I slapped him as hard as I could and shrieked in his face.

Much to my surprise, he didn't retaliate. He let the momentum of my hand knock his face slightly to the side and then brought it back to center to stare at me again. He never even unfolded his arms.

I was trembling all over again. There I was, staring up at him all hate and defiance and he watched me back just as calm as a statue on a sunny day. Why couldn't I get to him they way he got to me?

"Why?" I hissed and hated how my voice shook. "How could…"

He shook his head and that small movement stopped my words cold. "I had to."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing! He _had _to. That just wasn't fucking good enough. I pulled back and slapped him again.

"I hate you." I growled and once more lifted my hand. Only then did he deign to uncurl himself from his entirely too casual pose and grab me by the wrist. Unconsciously, my eyes trailed to the bunch of his bicep as his fingers tightened painfully. Why was I watching that? I should've been railing against him with my free hand but instead, my eyes were pinned to the strength radiating out of his one small movement.

"I believe you too." He said and it had the underlying hint of laughter to it. It infuriated me. "Don't you wanna know why?"

"I asked you why!" I snarled and managed to tear my eyes away from his arm long enough to stare vehemently back into his face. "You said you had to!"

The little chuckle broke out of him then as he shook his head. "And you don't wanna know why I had to?"

The fact of the matter was, yes I did, desperately but I'd be damned if I'd let him know that. "Just go Taker." I sighed and tried to wrench myself free, prying at his fingers with my free hand. His other arm came up then and that iron grip locked on to my other wrist.

"Didn't I tell you to use my name?" He asked as he held me at arms length, his eyes raking over my nakedness. Everywhere he looked flushed red heat.

"I'll call you whatever I want to." I spat weakly.

"Say it." I would not. I was done taking orders from him. Instead, I looked away and tried to use my weight to pull myself free. With a jerk from his massive arms, I was facing him again. "Say it…"

"Fuck off."

He shook his head somewhat sadly and yanked me to his chest. "Say it darlin. Say my name."

The heat from him was nearly a pain all its own and I loved it. I hated him but being so close to him was to feel more protected than I ever had in my entire life. Before I could stop myself, my mouth opened. "Mark…"

"Still sounds sweet to me." I heard it muffled from where I was pressed against his chest. The pounding of his heart was lulling me into complacency. I couldn't give in. I wanted to so desperately…god I wanted to. Instead, I turned my head, pressing my lips to his hot and vaguely salty skin and bit down hard.

Mark jerked and spat a curse as he shoved me away. "You bitch!"

Stumbling, I lost my footing and toppled back onto the bed laughing. I let the self-satisfied smile plaster itself across my face as he pressed his hand to the perfect imprint of my teeth on his pectoral. The look in his eyes was priceless. He was dumbfounded and I was thoroughly enjoying myself again.

"That may be." I quoted him and rolled off the side to my feet and began to search for my jeans.

"What the hell do you think you're doin?" He sputtered stalking over to shove me back down. I bounced on the mattress and slipped on my hand as I tried to get back up.

"Quit it you asshole!" I barked and glared hard at him. There was something very, very familiar about his expression suddenly. He was angry. He was damn angry. The problem to his plan was, I really didn't care anymore.

Hopping back to my feet, I raked my hair out of my face and reached for my jeans again. Mark's arm shot out and caught me around my middle lifting me off my feet. My arms were pinned against my sides as I struggled trying to wriggle myself free. "Don't you get it?" I screamed as he locked down tighter. "It's done! It's over! Let me go!"

He didn't answer me. Instead, he threw me face-first against the wall and pinned me there with his big body. "Aren't you even curious?" His voice was a velvet hiss against my ear as I continued to fight.

"What does it matter? You made a mistake with me remember?" His answer was a fist tangled tight in my hair, yanking my head back so he could look me in the face, if upside down.

"No…I didn't."

I was too stunned to speak let alone fight. What did that mean? Why would he say it and then change his mind so suddenly?

My neck hurt as I stared up at him but I couldn't make myself move. Those eyes of his… Such feeling, such possession staring down at me… I shuddered under his scrutiny and barely noticed when one of his hands snaked down between our bodies.

"Do you remember me tellin you how beautiful you were when you were angry?" He whispered releasing my hair only so he could twist my neck painfully to crush his lips to mine. I moaned against his mouth and let him lift me again, sandwiching me between his heaving chest and the wall. It was then that I heard the tiny pop of a button sliding free of it's hole.

I didn't pay it any mind. I was swooning with the taste of him and judging from his reactions, he was swooning as well. He shifted hard against me, his hands falling away briefly before he kicked my leg aside and thrust his hips forward.

I gasped pulling away from his mouth as his entire length forced it's way inside me. "Ah God…" I moaned and let my head fall forward to rest against the cool wall while I adjusted to him. I was burning…and sore. It'd been so long…so long… My muscles seemed to fight against him as they spasmed and fluttered trying desperately to make room for the invasion.

"I missed you…" His voice was breathy and almost unsure, as we stood there still and waiting.

"Go to hell…" It was my last ditch effort to repel him and it sounded pitifully frail and unconvincing.

Growling, Mark twisted his fist in my hair again and reached down, lifting my thigh onto his forearm for leverage before he thrust in hard and deep again. I screamed. God it hurt! I was…unprepared and overwhelmed but I welcomed it with every fiber of my being.

"Ask me why I had to do it." He rumbled against me and pulled back slowly, easing himself out of my opening only to slide in again more slowly. "Do it…"

I had to fight the sensations to form rational thought. What did it matter now? He had what he wanted. He was fucking me slow and deep, just the way he always did.

The hand in my hair let go and fought its way between me and the wall, delving and searching until he found my hardened nipple. He grabbed it, twisting hard just as he pushed into me again. "Talk darlin…" He grunted and increased the pressure.

I let out a gasping moan and licked at my lips. "Why?" It was barely audible but I knew he heard it as his hips found a slow, rolling rhythm.

"To…show you…what you are." He growled punctuating each part with a deep thrust that rocked me to my very core. He was so big, so very in control of me inside and out. I could barely focus on what he was telling me.

I wanted to ask what that meant. I wanted so desperately to know, to really know what it was he thought I was but the words were beyond me. I tried, I shook my head to let him know I didn't understand but my lack of response seemed to spark off the anger in him.

With a feral growl, he let himself slip free and locking his arms around my waist again, threw me ungracefully onto the bed. I didn't have a chance to recover before he was there, grasping my ankle and dragging me where he wanted me.

It was as if nothing had changed. I could do nothing but stare up at him as he spread my legs wide and crawled up the foot of the bed to cover me. His long red hair slipped over his shoulder to tickle my skin just as he dropped his weight down and wasted no time driving himself back inside me.

The new angle afforded him more penetration and the feel of him so deep pressing at the end of my opening arched me off the bed and tore a pained moan from my throat.

He smiled an evil smile and fell against me, kissing and stroking, pinching and scratching as he began to build that slow burn inside me that I'd come to expect from him. Slowly, in and out, deeper and deeper and all the while, he seemed to lose a bit of his humanity to the act. He was feral, snarling, and as much in need as I was.

I met him with everything I had. My hips bucked against his welcoming the pain and the pleasure that was to be with him. My head fell back against the bed as I panted and locked my ankles around his thighs.

His head dropped down to my shoulder as he strained. His body shook above me, his muscles corded with his need for release. I tilted my head against his, cradling it against my cheek as we worked together. It was our common ground. He owned me, subjugated me, but here in the agony of suspended relief, I was his equal. He depended on me to push him past that point the same way I relied on him for it.

Growling he lifted his head. "Do you understand it yet?" He panted and caught me in those eyes of his again. I shook my head but never lost the contact. "Tell me…what you are."

"Yours…" I gasped and rolled my body beneath him. I smiled as he shuddered violently but shook his head.

"Not mine darlin…" He managed and leaned down to brush his lips against mine. "You're still that strong woman…" To punctuate it, he drove in hard. "I never took anything you wouldn't give."

"I…gave you everything." It was all I could think to say because it was true. From that first night he'd demanded no less and I'd given it all willingly.

Wrapping my arms around his neck, I took a chance and pulled him to me, kissing him fiercely as the first wave of orgasm began to rock through my body. My spine bowed as the tightening inside me sprung and sent me spiraling deep into the one pleasure he never could take from me.

My insides gripped him tight, and with a final pained groan, he followed me down. His muscular frame locked iron tight as he let himself go as well.

I was only dimly aware of Mark as he collapsed beside me. The world had focused down to a pinprick of light in my line of sight. I was floaty and light. I couldn't have moved if I wanted to but that was okay. He was never one for the post-coital cuddle. At least I didn't think he was until I felt his big hand on my arm, dragging me against his body.

It took a long moment for me to relax and settle into the new situation but eventually, my eyelids began to flutter shut.

"Thank you…" He whispered after a long moment and I couldn't help but smile in his arms. It was all I'd ever wanted to hear.

I awoke with a start to a soft knocking on the door. Jerking upright, I looked around and realized that one, I was not at home, and two, I was alone in a cheap motel and there was a housekeeper outside the door. Pulling the comforter off the bed, I wrapped it around myself and poked my head out to let them know I was still there.

As I shut the door, I couldn't help but look around. His things were gone. The place where he'd dropped his shirt was empty and his side of the bed was perfect and straight. Yep, he'd done it again only this time there was nothing to remember him by. No note, no rose, nothing.

Although I was intimately familiar with the routine, I couldn't help the wave of sadness that rolled through me. Mark was gone and I had to prepare myself to return to the normal nine to five.

Tossing the blanket back on the bed, I set to the task of gathering my clothes so I could put yet another phantom night behind me and get on with it. The problem was, I didn't want to get on with it. I wanted to curl back up and close my eyes and pretend that I was still sleeping a dreamless sleep in Mark's arms.

I almost hated that. I'd felt so strong, so liberated the night before and after the sun had come up, I found myself right back where I always was. He was gone. I didn't want him to be…at all. If anything, the separation anxiety was worse. I'd made my stand and he'd stayed even if it was to make a point.

That thought sent me crumpling to the carpet to fight off tears again. That _was _the only reason he'd stayed. He'd had something to show me. It had nothing to do with his want or need of me. He'd proved his point, slept off the exhaustion, and left without a word.

God that hurt, and the part that hurt more than anything was the thought that he would go back home and give all of his addictive intensity to someone else.

Forlornly, I grabbed my jeans off the floor and wadded them up in my lap. For some reason, the act of actually putting them on was too much. I bit my lip hard to fight off the tears I knew were coming and curled myself around my pants. The harder I tried, the harder the wave of despair pushed back. I tasted blood and still the tears slipped past, down my cheeks and fell into my lap. It was so stupid. It was nothing new. I knew the drill but it hurt so much this time, to wake up alone.

I don't know how long I sat there wallowing and feeling sorry for myself but it was a knock on the door that brought me out of it. I sighed heavily and forced myself back to my feet. It was pretty obvious the housekeeping staff wanted in the room. Maybe I'd slept past check out?

Yanking the blanket off the bed again, I wrapped myself up like some caricature of a Roman princess in a toga and headed over to let them know I'd be out soon. Halfway to the door, the knock sounded again.

"I'm coming!" I barked irritably and shuffled over, kicking the loose end of comforter ahead of me.

It took me three tries to keep the blanket in place and get the knob to turn enough for me to throw the door open indignantly. The light outside was so bright I had to blink twice before I could make sense of what I was seeing.

"What?" I gasped, my features going slack and my irritation forgotten. "What are you…"

"Hungry?" Mark said waving a small brown baggie in front of my face. I wasn't…but it was all I could do to nod and shuffle out of the way.

Completely unaffected by my stammering, he strode into the room and kicked the door shut behind him before setting down the bag and a cardboard car carrier holding two cups of coffee down on the table. "Gonna eat?"

Clutching the comforter around me, I moved over and sat down at the table as he dragged the other chair back to straddle it. I could only stare at his hands as he pulled out two bagels and shoved a cup of coffee toward me. Numbly, I took a drink. It was…perfect. It was too sweet and too creamy and exactly the way I always drank it.

I must have looked a hell of a question at him because he burst out laughing. It was a real laugh, complete with tiny happy crow's feet. "Surprise…" He chuckled widening his eyes at me. "I pay attention."

Well that was quite obvious.

"What are you doing here?" I managed as I picked at the bagel. "Shouldn't you be…going home or something?"

He chewed more slowly as he watched me and seemed to think. After a long moment he shrugged and took a deep drink of his own cup before setting it aside and leaning over the back of the chair to look me dead in the eye. "I wanted to know what it was like to be normal with you." His lips turned up into a sly grin. "Just once…"

"Just once?" I grinned. His answer was…more than I ever could have hoped for.

"At least once." He teased and got up, moving over to loom above me. My head tipped back to search his face for the edge to it but there was none. He was just the man, just Mark, and the smile I was awarded with nearly took my breath away. "At least…" He sighed and leaned down, his hand reaching for my cheek as he kissed me. I stretched up and held onto his shoulder. I didn't know how long the moment would last but I'd do my best to keep it. It was all I'd ever wanted in the world.


End file.
